Snark in Pictures ~ Holiday 2013

...

Merry Christmas AND Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Aw, The First Family and the Elves



Fabulous!

"I want to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a joyful holiday season." —President Obama pic.twitter.com/dQZy9BqEj8

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) December 24, 2013

Cute!

Check out behind-the-scenes videos, photos and crafts from this year's #WHHoliday decor: http://t.co/tzpp5EMyQu, pic.twitter.com/H3EEb2EI95

— FLOTUS (@FLOTUS) December 26, 2013

First Anniversary of Newtown Massacre

From Reuters

On December 14, 2012, Adam Lanza, 20, shot his way into the school he had once attended and murdered 20 first-graders, all aged 6 and 7, and six adults. Before heading to the school, Lanza killed his mother, who had legally purchased the guns he used that day.

Newtown officials said the town wanted to be left alone on the anniversary. Some of the victims' families have encouraged those moved by the shooting to mark the day by performing an act of kindness in their own communities.

At the White House, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama observed a moment of silence after lighting 26 candles to honor those lost at the school.

One year ago God received 26 angels, never forget #SandyHook pic.twitter.com/wyGLO08o2p

— Miguel Gutierrez (@miguel_gtz95) December 14, 2013

We are all Sandy Hook: pic.twitter.com/2M4sDq3tQd

— Reisa Miller (@ReisaMiller) December 14, 2013

And just yesterday, a reminder that nothing has really changed ... yet. Another school shooting in Arapahoe County, Colorado.

From Yahoo News

A schoolboy armed with a shotgun opened fire and wounded two fellow students on Friday before killing himself, the latest US mass shooting on the eve of the Newtown school massacre anniversary.

. . . Hundreds students locked themselves into classrooms as the shooter -- identified by authorities as Karl Pierson, 18 -- stormed into the school brandishing a shotgun, shouting that he was looking for a particular teacher in what police said was apparently a planned "revenge" attack.

America's perennial gun control debate is back in the headlines on the anniversary Saturday of the 2012 school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut that killed 26 people, including 20 young children.

In Friday's incident, students locked themselves in classrooms after shots rang out shortly after 12:30 pm (1930 GMT), triggering an all-too-familiar police operation.

This is a picture of the children of AHS with their hands in the air, traumatized. @MomsDemand pic.twitter.com/NhkM6tVQKO

— Rebecca Morgan (@Rebecca_221B) December 13, 2013

Proud to be a Warrior #prayforClaire #ArapahoeHigh @ahswarriors #ArapahoeHighSchool AHS! #PrayForArapahoe pic.twitter.com/e28ydkHztm

— Bill WØSUN ☢ (@w0sun) December 14, 2013

Happy New Year ~ 2013!!!

Happy New Year to all my readers!

Happy Holidays

To all my readers and viewers in the United States and Everywhere, I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season! Thank you for making this blog a success!

Merry Rube Goldberg Christmas!

This is one of the best Rube Goldberg set-ups I've ever seen.
(If you don't know who that is, look Here)

Bill Moyers: "The Bells Rang for the Lost" in Newtown

First-graders. Six and seven years old. Pledge Allegiance to the flag. Lock and Load. Our new Head Start.


BILL MOYERS: Welcome. The bells rang for the lost: Charlotte Bacon, Olivia Engel, Ana Marquez-Greene, Dylan Hockley, Madeline Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Jesse Lewis, James Mattioli, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler, and Allison Wyatt. All were six years old.

Daniel Barden, Josephine Gay, Chase Kowalski, and Grace McDonnell were 7.

Six adults died with them: Mary Sherlach, Anne Marie Murphy, Dawn Hochsprung, Lauren Rousseau, Rachel D’Avino, Victoria Soto.

It helps to say their names, to rescue them from the statistical anonymity that always settles over these awful events. It helps those of us distanced from the loss to imagine, even grieve, the emptiness in the homes and hearts of those who loved them. They will never forget. We mourn, move on, and too soon forget. And then it will happen again one day, and we will scratch our heads and ask ourselves, “Was the last time Newtown? Or Columbine? Was it Aurora? Or that college in Virginia?” And once again we will mourn, move on, and too soon forget.

There is an old Hassidic saying that, “In remembrance is the secret of redemption.” But America forgets quickly, and gives no lasting indication it seeks redemption from its fetish with guns, its romance with the free market of violence. With the sport of it all. The show must go on. It’s our right. At any price. What were their names again? Oh, yes, Charlotte, Daniel, Olivia, Dylan, Allison, Dawn. Poor things, such a tragedy. Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition.

And so we make our peace with violence. And make ourselves over in its image. A state senator in Missouri, a life-time member of the National Rifle Association, is pushing a bill to require that all first graders be enrolled in the NRA’s gun safety course. First-graders. Six and seven years old. Pledge Allegiance to the flag. Lock and Load. Our new Head Start.

A state senator in Tennessee’s Republican legislature says he will introduce a bill that would allow the state to pay for secretly armed teachers in classrooms. Saintly Miss Simpson, packing heat. Hey, Mr. Russell, it’s show and tell, can we see your Glock 9? After the Newtown killings, a sixth-grader at an elementary school near Salt Lake City brought a gun to school, saying he wanted to protect himself and his friends. Instead, allegedly, he used it to threaten some classmates. As The Good Book says, get with it, “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Ready. Aim. Fire.

And for the child who has everything this season, how about body armor? A Utah company named Amendment II offers a new line of it for kids. Mother Jones Magazine reports sales have tripled in one week. A Massachusetts company is promoting The Bullet Blocker, a “rugged computer backpack designed for work or play.” Made of the same materials used in bullet-proof police vests, currently on sale for the holidays for $199.99. And on Facebook, an outfit called Black Dragon Tactical that sells vests and other combat gear sent this message: “Arm the teachers, in the meantime, bulletproof the kids.”

This market never closes. America’s turned violence into a profit center. And if you haven’t finished your Christmas shopping, no need to wait for Santa; his sleigh couldn’t even hold the heavy weapons. Step this way. Black Friday is every day. And we have something for everyone, from cradle to grave. From cradle to grave.

Surely this can’t go on. This spilling of innocent blood, this bleeding of democracy’s soul. We’re losing faith in ourselves, acting as subjects, not citizens, no longer believing that it is in our power to do the right thing. We Americans are not smarter than other people, and certainly no more virtuous. Our exceptionalism is our capacity for self-correction. To reach the bridge of the ship, point to the iceberg dead ahead, and demand of the captain a change of course before it’s too late. “They,” the gun industry, its profiteers, zealots and apologists, its political stooges, fabulists, and constitutional originalists, who would have us think the “well-regulated militia” of a sparsely-populated frontier nation in the 18th century really means tolerating a perpetual wild west here in the 21st century. “They” say, “don’t tread on us, get off our well-armed backs, there’s nothing you can do.”

Of course there is. Register all guns. License all gun owners. Require stringent background checks. Get tough on assault weapons of any kind. Crack down on high-capacity ammunition as the President has now proposed. And then, enforce the laws. Yes, I know, determined killers will always find a way. But we can minimize the opportunities, and scale back the scope of destruction. Why do we accept the need for driver’s licenses? Or submit to the sometimes humiliating body scans at airports? Because it’s the law, and deep down we know we’re safer for the inconvenience of the law.

Good laws are hard to come by. Civilization, just as hard. The rough and tumble of politics makes them so. But democracy aims for a moral order as just as humanly possible, which means laws that protect the weak and not just the strong. Lest we forget.

The NRA Finally Says Something

The NRA had been silent since last Friday (it's now Tuesday - so five days) but today finally made a statement about the Sandy Hook/Newtown Connecticut shooting. Just what it all means is unclea, but they are having a press conference on Friday, probably to change the subject to mental illness, which has been the talking point on TV and Twitter all day from the right.

Ironically, this Friday, December 21, is the day many believe the world is going to end. Dare we hope that they will announce the "end" of the NRA. Naaah - that's just a dream.

NRA Statement via USA Today

"The National Rifle Association of America is made up of four million moms and dads, sons and daughters – and we were shocked, saddened and heartbroken by the news of the horrific and senseless murders in Newtown.

"Out of respect for the families, and as a matter of common decency, we have given time for mourning, prayer and a full investigation of the facts before commenting.

"The NRA is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure this never happens again.

"The NRA is planning to hold a major news conference in the Washington, DC area on Friday, December 21.

"Details will be released to the media at the appropriate time."

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

President Obama Speaks at Newtown Vigil

Slideshow of the Victims

The First Funerals are Tomorrow

Teachers and Students Prepare to Return to School

Shooter's Mother Hoarded Guns, Believed World Was Ending (and I guess she was right about that)

Senator Feinstein will Introduce Assault Weapons Ban on First Day of New Congress

From President Obama Sunday Night at Newtown Prayer Vigil:

In the coming weeks, I’ll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement, to mental health professionals, to parents and educators, in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this, because what choice do we have? We can’t accept events like this as routine.

Are we really prepared to say that we’re powerless in the face of such carnage, that the politics are too hard?

Are we prepared to say that such violence visited on our children year after year after year is somehow the price of our freedom?

. . . We can’t tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change.

We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law, no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society, but that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely we can do better than this.

Complete Transcript:

OBAMA: Thank you.

Thank you, Governor. To all the families, first responders, to the community of Newtown, clergy, guests, scripture tells us, “Do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly, we are being renewed day by day.

“For light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

“For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven not built by human hands.”

We gather here in memory of 20 beautiful children and six remarkable adults. They lost their lives in a school that could have been any school in a quiet town full of good and decent people that could be any town in America.

Here in Newtown, I come to offer the love and prayers of a nation. I am very mindful that mere words cannot match the depths of your sorrow, nor can they heal your wounded hearts.

I can only hope it helps for you to know that you’re not alone in your grief, that our world, too, has been torn apart, that all across this land of ours, we have wept with you. We’ve pulled our children tight.

And you must know that whatever measure of comfort we can provide, we will provide. Whatever portion of sadness that we can share with you to ease this heavy load, we will gladly bear it. Newtown, you are not alone.

As these difficult days have unfolded, you’ve also inspired us with stories of strength and resolve and sacrifice. We know that when danger arrived in the halls of Sandy Hook Elementary, the school’s staff did not flinch. They did not hesitate.

Dawn Hocksprung and Mary Sherlach, Vicki Soto, Lauren Russeau, Rachel Davino and Anne Marie Murphy, they responded as we all hope we might respond in such terrifying circumstances, with courage and with love, giving their lives to protect the children in their care.

We know that there were other teachers who barricaded themselves inside classrooms and kept steady through it all and reassured their students by saying, “Wait for the good guys, they are coming. Show me your smile.”

And we know that good guys came, the first responders who raced to the scene helping to guide those in harm’s way to safety and comfort those in need, holding at bay their own shock and their own trauma, because they had a job to do and others needed them more.

And then there were the scenes of the schoolchildren helping one another, holding each other, dutifully following instructions in the way that young children sometimes do, one child even trying to encourage a grownup by saying, “I know karate, so it’s OK; I’ll lead the way out.”

But we as a nation, we are left with some hard questions. You know, someone once described the joy and anxiety of parenthood as the equivalent of having your heart outside of your body all the time, walking around.

With their very first cry, this most precious, vital part of ourselves, our child, is suddenly exposed to the world, to possible mishap or malice, and every parent knows there’s nothing we will not do to shield our children from harm. And yet we also know that with that child’s very first step and each step after that, they are separating from us, that we won’t -- that we can’t always be there for them.

They will suffer sickness and setbacks and broken hearts and disappointments, and we learn that our most important job is to give them what they need to become self-reliant and capable and resilient, ready to face the world without fear. And we know we can’t do this by ourselves.

It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize no matter how much you love these kids, you can’t do it by yourself, that this job of keeping our children safe and teaching them well is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community and the help of a nation.

And in that way we come to realize that we bear responsibility for every child, because we’re counting on everybody else to help look after ours, that we’re all parents, that they are all our children.

This is our first task, caring for our children. It’s our first job. If we don’t get that right, we don’t get anything right. That’s how, as a society, we will be judged.

And by that measure, can we truly say, as a nation, that we’re meeting our obligations?

Can we honestly say that we’re doing enough to keep our children, all of them, safe from harm?

Can we claim, as a nation, that we’re all together there, letting them know they are loved and teaching them to love in return?

Can we say that we’re truly doing enough to give all the children of this country the chance they deserve to live out their lives in happiness and with purpose?

I’ve been reflecting on this the last few days, and if we’re honest with ourselves, the answer’s no. We’re not doing enough. And we will have to change. Since I’ve been president, this is the fourth time we have come together to comfort a grieving community torn apart by mass shootings, fourth time we’ve hugged survivors, the fourth time we’ve consoled the families of victims.

And in between, there have been an endless series of deadly shootings across the country, almost daily reports of victims, many of them children, in small towns and in big cities all across America, victims whose -- much of the time their only fault was being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

We can’t tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change.

We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law, no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society, but that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely we can do better than this.

If there’s even one step we can take to save another child or another parent or another town from the grief that’s visited Tucson and Aurora and Oak Creek and Newtown and communities from Columbine to Blacksburg before that, then surely we have an obligation to try.

In the coming weeks, I’ll use whatever power this office holds to engage my fellow citizens, from law enforcement, to mental health professionals, to parents and educators, in an effort aimed at preventing more tragedies like this, because what choice do we have? We can’t accept events like this as routine.

Are we really prepared to say that we’re powerless in the face of such carnage, that the politics are too hard?

Are we prepared to say that such violence visited on our children year after year after year is somehow the price of our freedom?

You know, all the world’s religions, so many of them represented here today, start with a simple question.

Why are we here? What gives our life meaning? What gives our acts purpose?

We know our time on this Earth is fleeting. We know that we will each have our share of pleasure and pain, that even after we chase after some earthly goal, whether it’s wealth or power or fame or just simple comfort, we will, in some fashion, fall short of what we had hoped. We know that, no matter how good our intentions, we’ll all stumble sometimes in some way.

We’ll make mistakes, we’ll experience hardships and even when we’re trying to do the right thing, we know that much of our time will be spent groping through the darkness, so often unable to discern God’s heavenly plans.

There’s only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child’s embrace, that is true.

The memories we have of them, the joy that they bring, the wonder we see through their eyes, that fierce and boundless love we feel for them, a love that takes us out of ourselves and binds us to something larger, we know that’s what matters.

We know we’re always doing right when we’re taking care of them, when we’re teaching them well, when we’re showing acts of kindness. We don’t go wrong when we do that.

That’s what we can be sure of, and that’s what you, the people of Newtown, have reminded us. That’s how you’ve inspired us. You remind us what matters. And that’s what should drive us forward in everything we do for as long as God sees fit to keep us on this Earth.

“Let the little children come to me,” Jesus said, “and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Charlotte, Daniel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Madeline, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Benjamin, Avielle, Allison, God has called them all home.

For those of us who remain, let us find the strength to carry on and make our country worthy of their memory. May God bless and keep those we’ve lost in His heavenly place. May He grace those we still have with His holy comfort, and may He bless and watch over this community and the United States of America.

Happy Place Diversion: Peace on Earth

At one time most people in our country could agree that the winter holidays were a time for contemplating Peace on Earth. Nowadays, I guess not, thanks to the NRA.

But I'm going to do it today anyway with this extended Happy Place Diversion. No guns today. Serenity Now!

Children in Connecticut Had a Right to Life - but Guns Took it Away

There are really no words for what happened to the children of Newtown, Connecticut today. Kindergarten students were slaughtered at school. Five-year-old kids are bright, curious, trusting, imaginative, sensitive, and above all, innocent. But someone walked into their normally safe school here at Christmastime and took away their right to live. Someone armed with an assault rifle he shouldn't have had, bent on some unknown mission that was all in his head.

A tragedy, people say, unpreventable. This guy must have been an "isolated nutcase" and no amount of mental health screening would have caught him. We are helpless in the face of the gun lobby, especially in red states. Blah Blah Blah. You know we can't protect everyone 24-7, especially children trapped in school buildings. It must be the parents' or teachers' fault (the shooter killed both his parents, and his mother was a teacher). It must be the principal's fault (the principal was shot). Remember Columbine? That was just as isolated an incident, and the shooters were just bad seeds, and all of this really means nothing, and should change nothing - according to the Tea Party and the NRA.

Innocents dying in vain is the new patriotism that protects the Second Amendment.

In the days to come, we will hear a lot of shoulda-woulda-coulda, and Republicans in thrall to the National Rifle Association with spread their usual manure like filth over the graves of these little innocent babies. They will moan and weep about how "terrible" it would be for politicians to take any action at all, that it would be an invasion of gun owner rights to request any type of new restrictions even on assault weapons, which can't be used for hunting any creature except other humans. It's a right to own one for "sport" you know.

That's right - assault weapon shooting is a sport to these cretins, and we better not get in their way, by God, or they will just buy more guns and join militias and burn crosses and send their goons to threaten politicians. It's been that way for years and we have rolled over and accepted things like spineless wonders.

But today I think something changed. The right for these small trusting innocent children to live should trump the right to bear arms everywhere. What militia did this shooter represent? There shouldn't be a constant open season on children and unarmed people. Enough. State Legislatures shouldn't be passing laws to carry handguns in day cares, schools, and libraries. ENOUGH. These children and their families were free citizens, too. They deserved to live, and not be shot down like animations in some redneck game. Enough!!!!!!!


Joel Achenbach on Washington Post

Newtown, Conn., became Everytown, America, on this grim Friday. By mid-afternoon, the scale of the horror became clear: Twenty children had been slain, plus six of their protectors. The crime took another sick turn with news that the killer was the son of one of the teachers, who died separately in her home. This appeared Friday night to be a matricide that evolved into mass murder.
All this happened during the holiday season, as people around the country prepared for a big shopping weekend, or got ready for relatives coming to town or kids coming home from college. This is family time, a season of joy. Light the candles, decorate the tree.

Snark in Pictures

Joe Biden Shops at Costco

literally buying A BUNCH OF STUFF. RT @tonytull VP Biden makes an appearance here at the Districts first Costco. twitter.com/TonyTull/statu…
— Jenny Lynn Towns (@jltowns) November 29, 2012

This is priceless! :) Joe Biden mingling with voters at Costco.

Buzzfeed Picture Essay Here

What did he buy?

Talking Points Memo:

Biden's shopping cart was filled with, among other things, "children's' books, fire logs, a 32 inch Panasonic TV and a big apple pie."

It's unclear whether the vice president bought a watch:

Unknown if he bought a watch, though he spent considerable time at the counter looking at them, including a $1,200 one, and put in a call to his daughter, Ashley, saying he needed to "get some guidance."

Biden turned down new tires. "Hey man, I don't need tires," he said. "I don't drive anymore."

Biden also appeared to enjoy the food samples, the pool report says.

Joe Biden's pie-shopping face is so wonderfully serious. twitter.com/jtes/status/27…
— jessica testa (@jtes) November 29, 2012

"Now you know why my wife doesn't let me shop alone." Biden at Costco nyti.ms/QPrUh4
— The New York Times (@nytimes) November 29, 2012

Snark for Christmas

Here are some quotes to cheer you through the rest of the holidays, or at least let you know that you are not alone in this joyful, yet irritating, season. And if you are depressed, maybe something here will make you smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas: A holiday that originally was supposed to be for the birth of Christ, but after all these years, its just nothing but commercials, sales, and stress. What does a fat guy who hauls gifts down into your lifing room, and then flies away on a sleigh have to do with Jesus Christ? Jack squat.
~ Urban Dictionary

Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.
~ G.K. Chesterton

Santa Claus is poor this year, just like everybody else.
~ Olivia Walton (Patricia Neal) in "The Homecoming"

“Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.”
― from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Ralph Herdman: What did she says the play is called?
Leroy Herdman: "Christmas Pageant."
Ollie Herdman: That's no name. That's what it is.
Gladys Herdman: I know a name. I'd call it "Revenge at Bethlehem."
~ from "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever"

Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?"
~ Charlie Brown, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”



Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.
~ Lucy Van Pelt in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"



Mary: (reading Christmas card) The crystal bells of Christmas bring love and cheer tonight, to wish for you--
Lou Grant: Nah, nah --
Mary: (opens card and takes out a check) Oh, Mr. Grant! I really can't--
Lou Grant: I don't know what to buy a girl. Just get yourself somethin'.
Mary: Mr. Grant, I can't accept this.
Lou Grant: Sure you can!
Mary: But a blank check!
Lou Grant: What? Huh? (surprised, he grabs check) It's a mistake. (taps pen on desk while thinking about amount)
Mary: Uh, why don't I just wait outside while you--
Lou Grant: No, no! All I have to do is fill in an amount here. (stares into space thinking while biting his lip)
(Mary stares at him, then smiles and Lou smiles back. He starts filling out check.)
Lou Grant: (while writing) Can I have the card back please?
(Mary hands him the card, which he holds under the desk so she can't see the check.
Mary: Here (Mary hands him the envelope.)
Lou Grant: If you don't mind. (Putting the card into the envelope, then he licks the envelope, puts it on the desk and taps it shut with his fist)
Lou Grant: Merry Christmas! (hands card to Mary)
Mary: Thank you, Mr. Grant. (she leaves the room)
Lou Grant: Uh, Mary! (picks up his coat and hat and follows her out). It's none of my business why you're working for Fred on Christmas Eve but--
Mary: It's your business - you're head of the News Room.
Lou Grant: I don't want it to be my business! Because if it is, then I have to feel responsible for you being here all alone.
Mary: Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you, but I'm not going to be alone. The cleaning crew will be coming around.
Lou Grant: No, they won't - they don't work on Christmas Eve.
Mary: Well, uh, then there's the night watchman.
Lou Grant: Uh uh, there's only one man on duty tonight and he has to stay downstairs in the lobby.
Mary: Well, it's, uh, comforting to know that someone else will be only twelve floors away.


Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
~ Craig Ferguson

Ah, come on, dad, this could be the miracle that saves The Simpsons Christmas! If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happens to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us!"
~ Bart Simpson

Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog.”
~ Philip Yancey

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
~ Johnny Carson

This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
~ Brian in "Wings"

Clark Griswold: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Noah Griswold: "Grace!"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
Uncle Lewis: "They want you to say grace. The blesssssing."
Aunt Bethany (after everyone has bowed heads for the blessing): "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Clark: "Amen."
~ National Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation"



Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,"No L!"
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.
~ Jokes via SantaClaus.com

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'.
~ Robert Paul

Season's Greetings, everybody, from KBHR, the heart and soul of Cicely, Alaska. This is Chris In The Morning. From where I'm sitting, I've got a great view of all the yuletide decorations going up all over town. That's right, everywhere I turn my head I see ebony birds roosting for the holidays. You know, twinkling colored lights are nice, and so are plastic Santas and reindeers and manger scenes, but I'll tell you something, friends... nothing like the sight of beautiful black-as-pitch raven to get you in the Christmas spirit.
~ Chris-in-the-Morning on "Northern Exposure"



That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
~ Jerry Seinfeld

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck (I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression)

It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!"... Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
~ Dr. Seuss (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~ Benny Hill

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
~ Garrison Keillor


Christmas is awesome. First of all you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time.
~ Michael Scott on The Office






Dwight Schrute: Merry Christmas! [lays dead goose on Pam's desk]
Pam Beesley: Merry Christm-- No! Why... why did you bring that here?!
Dwight Schrute: Don't worry she's dead. Oh wait, ['checks'] he's dead.
Pam Beesley: Dwight, Wha-
Dwight Schrute: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle.
~ The Office

SpongeBob: [to Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?
Squidward: Uh, that is a part of, um, undersea pressure on my body.
SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer and your big flying machine?
Squidward: Uh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.


SpongeBob: Hey, Santa, where's your big nose? [pulls down Squidward's nose] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! [laughs]
Squidward: [holds his nose] Alright, alright, I'm Santa!
SpongeBob: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did. [pats Spongebob]
SpongeBob: I...did? Ohhh... [faints, he is taken back home by Gary]
. . .
[After "Santa" Squidward gives away all his possessions]
Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?
[A knock sounds on the door]
Squidward: You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.


Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
~ Dave Barry

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
~ Bernard Manning


From Seinfeld episode "The Strike"
Frank Costanza: “Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.”
Cosmo Kramer: “What happened to the doll?”
Frank Costanza: “It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!”
Cosmo Kramer: That must've been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: She was.
Kramer: Is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

Funniest Quote from the DNC First Night

"If Mitt was Santa Claus, he'd fire the reindeer and outsource the elves."
~ Ex-Governor Ted Strickland, D-Ohio


The whole speech is a barn burner ~ Enjoy!!!