Monday, November 26, 2012

Snark for Christmas


Here are some quotes to cheer you through the rest of the holidays, or at least let you know that you are not alone in this joyful, yet irritating, season. And if you are depressed, maybe something here will make you smile.


Christmas: A holiday that originally was supposed to be for the birth of Christ, but after all these years, its just nothing but commercials, sales, and stress. What does a fat guy who hauls gifts down into your lifing room, and then flies away on a sleigh have to do with Jesus Christ? Jack squat.
~ Urban Dictionary

Christmas is built upon a beautiful and intentional paradox; that the birth of the homeless should be celebrated in every home.
~ G.K. Chesterton

Santa Claus is poor this year, just like everybody else.
~ Olivia Walton (Patricia Neal) in "The Homecoming"

“Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.”
― from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

Ralph Herdman: What did she says the play is called?
Leroy Herdman: "Christmas Pageant."
Ollie Herdman: That's no name. That's what it is.
Gladys Herdman: I know a name. I'd call it "Revenge at Bethlehem."
~ from "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever"

Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?"
~ Charlie Brown, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”


Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know.
~ Lucy Van Pelt in "A Charlie Brown Christmas"


Mary: (reading Christmas card) The crystal bells of Christmas bring love and cheer tonight, to wish for you--
Lou Grant: Nah, nah --
Mary: (opens card and takes out a check) Oh, Mr. Grant! I really can't--
Lou Grant: I don't know what to buy a girl. Just get yourself somethin'.
Mary: Mr. Grant, I can't accept this.
Lou Grant: Sure you can!
Mary: But a blank check!
Lou Grant: What? Huh? (surprised, he grabs check) It's a mistake. (taps pen on desk while thinking about amount)
Mary: Uh, why don't I just wait outside while you--
Lou Grant: No, no! All I have to do is fill in an amount here. (stares into space thinking while biting his lip)
(Mary stares at him, then smiles and Lou smiles back. He starts filling out check.)
Lou Grant: (while writing) Can I have the card back please?
(Mary hands him the card, which he holds under the desk so she can't see the check.
Mary: Here (Mary hands him the envelope.)
Lou Grant: If you don't mind. (Putting the card into the envelope, then he licks the envelope, puts it on the desk and taps it shut with his fist)
Lou Grant: Merry Christmas! (hands card to Mary)
Mary: Thank you, Mr. Grant. (she leaves the room)
Lou Grant: Uh, Mary! (picks up his coat and hat and follows her out). It's none of my business why you're working for Fred on Christmas Eve but--
Mary: It's your business - you're head of the News Room.
Lou Grant: I don't want it to be my business! Because if it is, then I have to feel responsible for you being here all alone.
Mary: Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you, but I'm not going to be alone. The cleaning crew will be coming around.
Lou Grant: No, they won't - they don't work on Christmas Eve.
Mary: Well, uh, then there's the night watchman.
Lou Grant: Uh uh, there's only one man on duty tonight and he has to stay downstairs in the lobby.
Mary: Well, it's, uh, comforting to know that someone else will be only twelve floors away.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
~ Craig Ferguson

Ah, come on, dad, this could be the miracle that saves The Simpsons Christmas! If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happens to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us!"
~ Bart Simpson

Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog.”
~ Philip Yancey

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
~ Johnny Carson

This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.
~ Brian in "Wings"

Clark Griswold: "Before we begin, since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of grace."
Aunt Bethany: "What dear?"
Noah Griswold: "Grace!"
Aunt Bethany: "Grace? She passed away 30 years ago."
Uncle Lewis: "They want you to say grace. The blesssssing."
Aunt Bethany (after everyone has bowed heads for the blessing): "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
Clark: "Amen."
~ National Lampoon's "Christmas Vacation"


Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because the angel had said,"No L!"
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
~ Jokes via

Even before Christmas has said Hello, it's saying 'Buy Buy'.
~ Robert Paul

Season's Greetings, everybody, from KBHR, the heart and soul of Cicely, Alaska. This is Chris In The Morning. From where I'm sitting, I've got a great view of all the yuletide decorations going up all over town. That's right, everywhere I turn my head I see ebony birds roosting for the holidays. You know, twinkling colored lights are nice, and so are plastic Santas and reindeers and manger scenes, but I'll tell you something, friends... nothing like the sight of beautiful black-as-pitch raven to get you in the Christmas spirit.
~ Chris-in-the-Morning on "Northern Exposure"

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
~ Jerry Seinfeld

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck (I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression)

It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!"... Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"
~ Dr. Seuss (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Christmas
We'd all be Jewish.
~ Benny Hill

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
~ Garrison Keillor

PhotobucketChristmas is awesome. First of all you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time.
~ Michael Scott on The Office


Dwight Schrute: Merry Christmas! [lays dead goose on Pam's desk]
Pam Beesley: Merry Christm-- No! Why... why did you bring that here?!
Dwight Schrute: Don't worry she's dead. Oh wait, ['checks'] he's dead.
Pam Beesley: Dwight, Wha-
Dwight Schrute: I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle.
~ The Office

SpongeBob: [to Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?
Squidward: Uh, that is a part of, um, undersea pressure on my body.
SpongeBob: Where's your reindeer and your big flying machine?
Squidward: Uh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.


SpongeBob: Hey, Santa, where's your big nose? [pulls down Squidward's nose] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! [laughs]
Squidward: [holds his nose] Alright, alright, I'm Santa!
SpongeBob: Santa! This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.
Squidward: I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did. [pats Spongebob]
SpongeBob: I...did? Ohhh... [faints, he is taken back home by Gary]
. . .
[After "Santa" Squidward gives away all his possessions]
Squidward: What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?
[A knock sounds on the door]
Squidward: You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.
~ Dave Barry

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
~ Bernard Manning


From Seinfeld episode "The Strike"
Frank Costanza: “Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.”
Cosmo Kramer: “What happened to the doll?”
Frank Costanza: “It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!”
Cosmo Kramer: That must've been some kind of doll.
Frank Costanza: She was.
Kramer: Is there a tree?
Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. Requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting.

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